Music is something that I’ve always been heavily immersed in; it was rare that I was ever in the silence from a very young age. My parents always had music on in the cars when they drove, the kitchen while they cooked, the living room while they lounged, and not to mention that I grew up steeped in the goth scene and its associated club nights and culture which is highly music oriented. This constant inundation of music combined with my debilitating lack of social skills and struggles growing up autistic with many other psychological issues paved the way for music and media to be my biggest coping mechanism.

Due to my autism, I’ve had to, in turn, battle alexithymia, which is the inability or immense struggle to identify, understand, and express emotions. I may not have always been able to say “this is how I’m feeling and why”, but music was my voice. I spent so much time listening to music and identifying songs and lyrics that could describe what was happening in my mind, so when I saw the option to create a playlist of songs that played a significant role in my life, I immediately thought of all the songs over the years that helped me voice how I felt on the inside and helped me describe my struggles. I have so many playlists that I’ve made over the years that are all highly categorized and organized by emotion, genre, memory, and more as this has been my primary way of processing my own emotions, but for this assignment, I narrowed it down to some of the most quintessential songs that had the most profound impact on my ability to understand myself, my emotions, and my experiences.

I used Spotify to create my playlist as this is my default music service and, as a result, the one I am most familiar with when it comes to playlist construction. Then, I began the search. I scoured all 20 of my current published playlists that range from 30 minutes to nearly 21 hours in length. The goal was to condense my alexithymic coping journey to a single hour by selecting 15 songs that gave me the biggest revelations, reliefs, and self-understandings. It was difficult to pick and choose, but in the end, I feel like I ended with a myriad of genres, emotions, and memories that one could listen to and understand the closest digital things to raw emotions of my 20 years of life in one playlist.